


Soar

by GoldenTruth813



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Next Gen, auror!teddy, seeker!james, virgin!James, with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 04:12:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12740775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenTruth813/pseuds/GoldenTruth813
Summary: James has built his life up perfectly, making sure the things he really wants don't ever come back to hurt him.  At least until he realizes he's the one hurting himself, and the only way to move on is to accept who he is and what he wants.





	Soar

James sighed, running his hands through his hair and leaning back against the doorway as he watched the scene before him. Albus and Lily were deep in a game of exploding snap, not paying any attention to the rest of the chaos in the room as various aunts and uncles and cousins ran around the room. It was noisy and chaotic and usually, James relished in Christmas at home. He loved his family, he really did, even when they were obnoxiously loud, nosy to the point of being invasive, and ridiculously cheesy as evidenced by his Dad who was currently walking around slightly tipsy, wearing the ugliest Christmas jumper James had ever seen and chasing his mum with a sprig of enchanted mistletoe. It doesn’t even matter that Christmas isn’t for another fortnight, his parent's love of the holiday means the festivities have always started early and continued much longer than is probably socially acceptable.

It was just that James felt, well different lately. He’d only been gone six months for training with Appleby Arrows as their newest seeker, but it felt like a lifetime since he’d been back home. Not for lack of owls from his mother of course, but he’d always put them off with the excuse that he couldn’t because of training. But now being back home, even just for the annual Potter-Weasley any excuse for a party Christmas party, well things felt exactly the same and entirely different all at once.

His parents had wanted him to sign with one of the teams closer to home, and given the sheer amount of offers he had received he truthfully could have signed with almost anyone. His Uncle Ron had nearly wept in disappointment when he;’d turned down a position with the Chudley Canons and though his dad said it was fine, he could see the hidden confusion in his eyes when he’d turned down Oliver Wood’s offer of reserve seeker for Puddlemere United. But like always his mum and dad had sworn to support him no matter what, even if they weren’t entirely happy with his choice of team. James hadn’t told anyone why he’d signed with the Arrows instead of any of the other teams. He hadn’t wanted to confess his burning need to just get away, just for a little bit. Didn’t want to tell anyone that his own secrets made him feel unworthy, and he didn’t want to burden them.

It wasn’t just that he cared about his family because that went without saying. More than just affection was the fact that he genuinely enjoyed his siblings' company even when they drove him mad, and he appreciated his parent's unwavering support no matter what he did. Even if the back of his mind he knew that he made sure to try and never really do anything they wouldn’t like. So when it had come time to pick, well he couldn’t explain to them why he’d felt the need to get away from everyone, from everything he knew. Especially Teddy.

Everything had changed when he’d graduated Hogwarts. He’d felt so hopeful for his future then, high on his Quidditch offers and N.E.W.T. scores; he’d felt like the world was well and truly his oyster as if he could do anything. Only once he left Hogwarts he’d come home and everything he knew that had once held him up felt like it was going to trap him in.

It wasn’t the fact that he was gay that bothered him. Not really. He’d accepted that years ago, even if he’d never actually got around to telling anyone. He figured it was no one’s business because it wasn’t like he was dating anyone, so he didn’t see the point in telling them. He’d thought maybe once he left Hogwarts it might be easier to tell everyone. Except then Albus had come out as bi-sexual the week before he was set to leave Hogwarts, apparently madly in love with Scorpius Malfoy, and well James didn’t want to take his little brother’s thunder. Albus had been so proud as if the declaration of his sexuality gave him power instead of taking it away. He’d been so proud of his brother then, of the sheer determination in his eyes when he’d reached for Scorpius’s hand and practically made a scene. So James had hugged him, pushing his own revelations to the side. It could wait he’d figured.

A week later he’d officially graduated. The same day he had come home was the same day his parents had thrown him a massive surprise party to celebrate, and incidentally became the day he realized that life was going to give him everything he could ever want except the one thing, the one person, he truly wanted.

Because Teddy was at the party, of fucking course he was there because he was like family. Sort of. In a way, James tried very hard not to think too closely about. He was always there. He was there watching James grow up, laughing at his horrible jokes he'd thought made him seem cool and teaching him things his parents thought he was too young to know. He was like an awesome older brother or uncle. Except James had never wanted another brother and he had enough Uncles to last himself a lifetime. Teddy was just...Teddy. He was there when James started Hogwarts, he was there for birthdays and Christmas and summers and family get-togethers. He was there for every single thing in James’s life that had really mattered. He had made inconsequential things matter.

And so when James had left Hogwarts, ready to finally become an adult and take on the world, well he’d seen Teddy in the garden leaning against the doorframe at his party, smiling at him fondly, and James’s stomach had completely fallen out. It had been easy enough while he was in school to push his thoughts and feelings aside, to think he just idolized Teddy, or even as he got older to dismiss it all as a passing crush. Because everyone liked Teddy, who wouldn’t? Teddy was kind and charming and funny and honest and powerful. Head boy. Top Auror recruit. Favorite godson. But seeing him standing there at James’s graduation party, still wearing his Auror robes, a shot of firewhiskey halfway to his lips when he'd seen James and winked at him, lifting his drink in silent cheers, well James had felt the disparity between them growing instead of shrinking.

James knew it wasn't fair to resent his family, that they all loved him in different ways, but the weight of their expectations, of the world’s expectations of being Harry Potter’s oldest son, had always felt a little suffocating. If he was a great seeker it was only because his parents were naturals so why wouldn't he be good at Quidditch. If he excelled at charms it was always “Ah yes your mother was exceptionally good at them too.” And when he scored near perfect in Defense Against the Dark Arts it was treated as a give-in because of his dad. If he happened to get into trouble it was always “James, don't you care about setting a good example for your brother and sister?” Everything was because of his family or for them. He felt defined by it.

The one person in his life who had always seen him for exactly who he was, flaws and achievements as all his own and not because they were expected of him, was Teddy. A small part of him thinks he must have always known he loved Teddy, maybe not in the same way he does now, but in his own way. And as he’d grown and matured it had shifted into something that made him ache, because he’d never wanted anything just for himself, but he wanted Teddy. While he was in school, well it was easy enough to ignore when it felt impossible. He was too young. They were almost like family in a weird, not quite family way. He was...just James. But once he'd left Hogwarts and the reasons it was impossible had lessened (because he was older now, and the age difference didn't seem to matter, their friendship made him feel equal even if his experiences did not.)

Except once he was out in the real world he'd felt all the inexperience of his eighteen years slam down upon him as he'd watched Teddy laugh with his Aunt Hermione, probably talking about work like they were apt to do at Sunday dinners.

He knew Teddy liked him of course because, despite the age difference, the older James got the closer he and Teddy had become. Which meant Teddy wrote him lots of letters while he was in school. Which meant James knew exactly what Teddy got up when he went out on the weekends, knew exactly how many people he'd fucked or how many times he'd almost died on the job. He knew that Teddy loved his job, never dated anyone seriously ever and most importantly had no interest in James. Teddy was well and truly living his life. He was well past his teenage existential life crisis and knew who he was. James wasn't stupid enough to think that with his pick of anyone he'd pick James.

Which didn't explain why, with a house full of people and a rather enthusiastic party going on inside, Teddy was walking towards James who had been quite certain no one had seen him come outside.

“You do realize it's fucking freezing out here right?”

Teddy's hair is an icy blue which matches the snowflakes drifting down upon his head quite well. He looks unnervingly innocent for someone James happens to know could quite literally kill someone if he wanted to and who happened to curse like a sailor as his gran was always saying.

“I like the cold.”

Teddy shakes his head but he smiles, leaning back against the fence and pressing his side up against James. He's so warm it makes James shiver involuntarily.

“Don't be stupid you're going to freeze.” And before James can protest Teddy is casting a warming charm over them both.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Anytime, kid.”

“I'm not a kid anymore, in case you hadn't noticed.”

Teddy seems like he's unsure what he wants to say, something James isn't used to in the least. “I noticed. Trust me.”

“Oh well, it doesn't matter.”

“It does, James…. listen, your mum asked me to come out here and _‘Set you Straight_ ’ I believe were her words. She’s worried about you, says you don’t come visit, or owl much. Thing is, you know I wouldn't normally meddle but I want you to know, you can always talk to me, Jamie.”

It's the name that does it, that makes him unable to keep it in any longer, and he's speaking before he can stop himself. “Teddy there is nothing in the world you could say that would make me straight.”

“Wait, what are you- no! Are you fucking kidding me?”

James exhales loudly, thumping his head back against the fence and wondering if it's possible to die from embarrassment.

“Shit, James, no! I didn't mean it like that!” Teddy shouts and then he's pulling him into a powerful hug. James thinks maybe it should feel awkward, but instead, it feels amazing, and he closes his eyes hiding his face in Teddy’s shoulder and letting everything else just sort of float away.

“How long have you known?”

James mumbles into Teddy’s shoulder, refusing to move his face. He can still remember the last time Teddy had hugged like this as if he might never let go. James had been eleven years old and sorted into Gryffindor, and despite Teddy’s obvious disappointment that they wouldn’t be in the same house Teddy had hugged him fiercely, as if he might never let go, and promised to always watch out for him.

“I’m afraid you might have to move your face if you want me to understand a word you said,” Teddy’s tone is soft, and despite his words, he makes no sign of lessening the embrace.

James reluctantly pulls out of Teddy’s arms, shooting him a grateful smile, before moving back to stand beside him. “Always were a bit bossy weren't you, Lupin?”

“It’s not my fault if people always listen to me.”

James snorts. “And you’d never let that power go to your head would you?”

“You wound me, Jamie, I would never,” he says firmly, but the amused smile on his face tells a different story. “So...how long have you know?”

“Uh...about, well…,” James swallows, wondering why it's so hard to say it out loud, “Since I was thirteen.”

Teddy lets out a low whistle, pressing himself closer to James. He wonders if he’s doing it on purpose. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Or even...just me? I’m the last person to judge you, James, you have to know that.”

James doesn’t want to explain how it hadn’t felt like it mattered, or how the one time he’d finally thought it had mattered enough to share that he hadn’t wanted to take any attention away from Albus, and he especially doesn’t want Teddy to ask him how he realized he was gay because that involves Teddy and is something James is quite sure he might take with him to the grave. “It wasn’t about anyone else. It was just about me.”

“Of course it was just about you, you sure do love attention don’t you?” Teddy laughs, nudging James’s shoulder with his own playfully, and James feels the tightness in his stomach begins to ebb away at Teddy’s joke. He feels eternally grateful for the other man always knowing how to ease the tension and make James laugh. He’s always been good at that, at reading people and knowing what they need. James knows it's not something Teddy only does with him, and he pushes aside the wave of jealousy, forcing a smile on his face as he looks at Teddy.

“So Dad said you were gonna be up in Appleby tomorrow on a mission.”

“Pretty sure you're not supposed to know that.”

“Yeah well, Dad is shit at keeping secrets, at least from me and mum. Plus he might have mentioned you needed a place to crash and I've got it on good authority my couch is pretty comfortable.”

“Did he arrange my meals too?” Teddy asks rolling his eyes, but James can see the smile he's trying to hide and knows that Teddy has never minded his dad looking out for him.

“Afraid not. Best I can manage is a hefty stack of takeaway menus if you stay with me. But please don't tell mum she'll have a fit if she finds out that's all I eat.”

“Well, I suppose if you provide the couch I could be persuaded to do a fry up, or if you behave maybe even pancakes.”

“I always behave!”

“James, I was the head boy, I know exactly what you got up too.”

James laughs again, and he feels the lightness weaving through his insecurities and fear. Gods how he'd missed Teddy. Letters just weren't the same no matter how many they wrote.

“Fine, I'll behave. Promise. But only if you make me pancakes.”

“Whatever you want, Jamie,” he whispers, throwing his arm around his shoulder.

They don't go back inside for a long time, just sitting together watching the snow until the heating charm has worn off. By the time he and Teddy finally head to the house his hands and feet feel like they might be frozen, but for the first time in a long time, he feels full of a kind of warmth he wasn't sure he would ever feel again.

 

***~*~*~*~***

  


James wakes early the following day, popping round to the nearest shop and buying more food than he’s seen in his kitchen since he moved into his flat last month.  He spends the next few hours pacing the living room, cleaning and re-cleaning the same areas multiple times despite the fact that they weren’t really dirty to begin with.  At least until he hears the floo chime and drops down onto the couch, grabbing his copy of _Seeker Weekl_ y off the end table and trying to look casual as he flips through the pages.

“Hey, Teddy,” James says with a smile, trying not to stare as Teddy wipes the soot from his legs.

He tries to remind himself that it's just Teddy, that he’s been in the same house as him hundreds of times.  But his brain won’t stop reminding him that they’ve never really been together as long as they will this time, and especially not without at least one family member tagging along.  It’s just…. _different_.

“Nice place you got, James,” Teddy says, dropping his bag down by the fireplace and walking across the room to drop down onto the couch beside him.  He doesn’t have his Auror robes on yet, just an old pair of jeans with a precariously placed hole in the upper thigh and one of his favorite worn t-shirts.  

“Don't lie, it's small and poky and the view is shit.  But it's mine and let me tell you after rooming with the rest of the team the last few months at training camp it's been amazing having my own place.  I mean I thought having to share a room with Albus for eleven years was bad, then when I got to Hogwarts I'd thought my dorm mates were awful, but no Quidditch players are by far the worst roommates!”

“I think you might be putting yourself down there, James.”

James doesn't answer just flips him off before throwing the extra couch pillow at his face.  

Instead of getting mad though Teddy just laughs.  “I knew you wouldn't behave.  Haven’t been here five minutes and your true colors are already showing.”

“You’re still going to make me pancakes though right?” He asks, putting on his brightest smile.

“Nope.”

James bites his lip, feigning innocence and scooting closer to Teddy.  “Pleeeeeease.”

“Does that really work?”

“With mum it does.  Not dad, or Al. Course nothing works on them,  they're so alike it's ridiculous,” he laughs, dropping the act and relaxing again besides Teddy.

“I cannot be won over with smiles.”

“Ah but you can be won over.  You admit it.  What'll it take for me to get pancakes tomorrow?”

Just for a moment, James would almost swear Teddy looked nervous, but the look is gone as fast as it appeared and then Teddy is smiling again.

“I might be persuaded if you show me around town.  Most of the mission will have to be done at night anyway, so technically I'm not on the clock for another,” and he glances down at his watch “seven hours and thirty-two minutes.”

James jumps to stand up, holding his hand out to Teddy.  “Come on then, I’ve got a good impression to make today.  Trust me I plan on having pancakes for breakfast tomorrow no matter what it takes.”

“Guess we’ll see then won’t we, Jamie.”

“Oh come off it, you’re making me pancakes no matter what right?  With extra sugar?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know!”

“Oh come off it, you couldn’t keep a secret from me if you tried.”

“You’d be surprised, James,” Teddy mumbles, but before James can ask him what he means Teddy is grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the door.  “Come on then, impress me,” he says with a wink and James groans because he’s not sure he is going to survive the week with Teddy doing things like that.

 

***~*~*~*~***

 

Laying in bed that night, James finds it absolutely impossible to sleep.  His flat feels impossibly quiet without Teddy in it, even if they’d barely been home all day.

James had taken him to the Arrows training grounds first, introducing him to the entire team, which had led to everyone out at the pub for drinks despite the fact that it was only two in the afternoon.  His teammates never needed an excuse to have a good time, which was one of the many reasons he’d signed with them.  They might have only been seventh in the league but James had felt comfortable, felt welcome when he’d met everyone prior to signing with the team.  It had felt like a place he might one day truly belong, a feeling he hadn’t had when he’d toured any of the other places.  But having Teddy there, regaling his teammates with embarrassing stories about James when he was little should have been horribly awkward but instead had only filled James with that strange warmth in his belly again.

Afterwards, they’d wandered around the town eating sausage rolls from James’ favorite corner shop and just _talking_ .  And it was funny because James had never felt like he was holding himself back, at least not with Teddy, and yet something had changed since his confession the night before.  He hadn’t realized how heavily it must have been weighing him down, keeping it all inside, because walking and talking and laughing with Teddy had made him feel joyful; made him feel _free_.

Which is exactly why, as he slips his hand down his pants and bites his lips, trying desperately not to whimper even though he’s home alone, he knows he’s entirely fucked.

 

***~*~*~*~***

 

“Is that coffee I smell.  That’s definitely coffee.  Fuck I love you, Jamie,” Teddy mumbles, stumbling into the kitchen, bleary-eyed and rubbing at his face.  James watches the way Teddy’s feet poke out from beneath his joggers, dragging his eyes upwards to swallow when he realizes Teddy isn’t wearing a shirt.  He internally curses, turning around and busying himself with the coffee pot on the counter praying Teddy is tired enough not to notice the blush spreading across his face.  Sometimes he hates that red hair and freckles run in his family because even though he doesn’t look exactly like his mother, his hair more of a dark brown than red his face is still dotted with freckles and he still turns red ridiculously easily just like his mum.  Fucking Weasley genes, making it impossible to hide anything.

James wordlessly hands Teddy a warm mug of black coffee, frowning in distaste as Teddy inhales the aroma, gulping it down as if it weren’t steaming hot.

It isn’t until the cup is completely empty that he shoots James a smile, reaching around him and pressing his chest up against James’ back to refill his cup.  “Thought you hated coffee, why do you have this?  Not that I’m complaining mind you.  But I’ve never seen you drink it.”

“I could drink coffee if I wanted,” he answers, pretty proud of himself for keeping his voice neutral with Teddy’s body pressed up against him.

Once his cup is full Teddy moves to lean back against the counter, shooting James a curious look over his mug.  “Really?  You want some then?” and then Teddy is walking closer, stretching the cup out towards him.

James can smell it, peering into the cup at the black sludge and can’t repress a shudder.  “Nope, nope...just, ugh no, Teddy.  Keep it to yourself.”

Teddy lets out a bark of laughter.  “I knew it!”

“Fine, fine...I might’ve gone and bought it for you.  It’s not a big deal,” he mumbles, reaching for his own mug of tea.

“It’s…,” but then Teddy stops, just watching him for so long James can feel another blush rising up the back of his neck.  “Thanks, Jamie.”

James just shrugs, dropping into his seat at the small table in the corner of his kitchen, sliding a plate of slightly black toast and a copy of the Daily Prophet towards Teddy.  “Told you I can’t cook.  You’re lucky I didn’t burn it.”

“I’m sorry, is this supposed to be the not burnt toast?” he asks, picking a piece up and waggling it at James.

“Oi, its...it’s edible!”

“James, this is not edible.”  As if to prove his point he bangs the toast on the table and James can’t repress his own laughter.  “It’s hard as a rock.  I think you could give Hagrid some competition.  This is right up there with rock cakes.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“I’m definitely making breakfast tomorrow.  I don’t care if I have to sacrifice sleep.  Someone has to take care of you.  You’ll starve to death.”

“M’doing alright.”

Teddy looks serious all the sudden, the tips of his hair turning darker blue as he blinks, not taking his eyes off James.  “Sure you are, Jamie.  But maybe you could let someone help you sometimes.  It’s not weak to need people.”

James doesn’t know what to say to that because it does nothing to stop the swirl of emotions threatening to break out when Teddy says something in an off-handed way as if it's nothing, something that shows how utterly he understands James.

“How did surveillance go last night?” he finally asks, watching as Teddy rolls his eyes.

“Subtle subject change.  Besides, you know I’m not allowed to tell you.”

“Because you always do exactly what you’re supposed to, huh.  You do realize that I grew up with a never-ending supply of extendable ears from Uncle George and heard every single _‘secret’_ discussion my parents have ever had and I know exactly what type of shit you used to get up to at school too.”

“Nice weather we’re having today, huh?”

James snorts.  “Nice subject change, Lupin.”

The smile Teddy shoots him is nearly blinding and James finds it almost hard to breathe.  He hadn’t wanted this, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.  Finding Teddy attractive was one thing, he could handle wanking over blue hair and soft green eyes.  He had years of experience convincing himself it wasn’t anything serious.  

What he couldn’t handle was the sudden and consuming realization that he was in love with Teddy.

 

***~*~*~*~***

  


James hadn’t been sure what to expect after that first morning, but whatever awkwardness he thought he might have picked up on disappeared the next day as they fell into an easy routine.  James had practice every single day which often lasted well into the evening, meaning that by the time he would get back to his flat the sun had already set and Teddy was long gone on Auror business.  

James had no idea that he had been underestimating Teddy’s cooking abilities for years and had been surprised and more than just a little pleased to find that each night when he got home Teddy had apparently left him a home cooked meal under a stasis charm.  They were simple things like kidney pie or toad in a hole, but they were James’s favorites and he knew that the sense of contentment he felt when he fell asleep every night had little to do with the fullness in his belly and everything to do with the fullness in his heart.  

In the mornings James would always wake first, relishing in the few moments of silence in the early hours of the day.  He'd gotten used to waking early for Quidditch practice at Hogwarts, something that had become a habit even on his days off.   Growing up in a rather exuberant family meant James had learned to appreciate quiet when he got it.  Not that he minded noise or chaos.  He’d never been quite as forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings the way Albus and Lily always had been and so he liked the noises and excitement of his life, it was easier to forget the things he didn’t want to think about.  But sometimes he relished in the quiet moments where he could admit his truths.  

Every morning he tells himself that he absolutely will _not_ just stand in the living room like a lovesick weirdo ogling Teddy while he sleeps and every morning he makes himself a liar, reveling in the ability to simply _look_ without being seen.

He watches Teddy’s chest rise and fall slowly, the entire length of his body taking up every single inch of the couch, one arm always thrown up over the side and one leg usually dangling off the edge.  He huffs out tiny breaths, his dark eyelashes resting on pale skin.  Teddy always wakes at the exact same time, as if his body is equipped with an internal alarm clock, and at the first sign of stirring James practically runs to the kitchen to make coffee and tea, absolutely refusing to be caught staring.

He tries hard not to imagine what it feels like when Teddy is gone, of how much harder it will be to lie to himself that will be ok without this, without Teddy.

  
  
  


***~*~*~*~***

 

On his last morning there James wakes up at exactly six o’clock like always, padding into the living room and frowning when he realizes the blankets Teddy sleeps with are folded up at the end of the sofa and his bag is already packed, sitting beside the floo.  His stomach drops.

“Teddy?”

“In here!”

“What are you doing?” James asks, walking to the kitchen and looking at the mess in front of him.  Half the bowls are dirty, every cupboard is open, and all James can do is stare at Teddy barefoot in his kitchen making pancakes, his hair still sleep-mussed and his face relaxed and open.  It makes something in James feel a little bit broken.  It is simultaneously the best and worst moment of his entire life because Teddy is here, Teddy is _everything_ James wants, but he is also everything he cannot have.

“You can’t be so tired you don’t know what pancakes smell like.”

“You didn’t get in until three a.m. why the hell are you making pancakes?”

“I could stop if you want,” he teases, stepping away from the counter but then James is dropping into his seat at the kitchen table and shaking his head, waving his arm a bit pathetically.  

“Well I mean you’re already awake, I wouldn’t want to deprive you the joy of cooking.”

“Course you wouldn’t, you’re a magnanimous little shit aren’t you?”

James laughs, his sense of foreboding slowly ebbing away the way it always does around the other man as if nothing in the world can hurt him when Teddy is around not even his own fears.

Teddy is sliding a plate of pancakes across the table at him, sprinkled with too much sugar and a slice of lemon on the side, exactly the way James loves them and he doesn’t know what comes over him when he opens his mouth “You make breakfast for a lot of people when you stay over?”  His face feels hot and his chest aches and he can’t bring himself to look up, afraid he's let too much slip out with just one stupid jealous sentence.

“James…,” he questions, sounding confused.

“Forget it, sorry.  I didn’t mean it.  They look amazing,” he mumbles, shoving a huge bite in his mouth hoping that might stop him from saying something else he will regret.

He can’t look up, can’t look at Teddy, afraid of what he might see.  So he isn’t expecting the warm fingers that probe at his chin, forcing him to look up.  He expects to see confusion or pity, and he doesn’t know what the look Teddy is giving him means but it isn't those things.

“I don’t make breakfast for anyone else, Jamie.”

“Oh well...that’s alright.  I mean, you can do whatever you want because-” but his words are cut off by Teddy’s mouth against his own.  It’s gentler than James had ever imagined because he’d imagined it enough times in the privacy of his room.  It’s almost as if he too is afraid, and James can’t imagine what in the world Teddy, brave, strong, smart, capable Teddy could possibly be afraid of.

James wants more but Teddy doesn’t seem like he’s going to give it to him, and then it hits James like a ton of bricks that Teddy is afraid of scaring him off, afraid this might not be what James wants, and it shatters whatever self-control he had.  And then James is nearly knocking Teddy to the floor, his hands in Teddy’s hair as he shoves him back against the table, kissing him desperately.  “Teddy,” he whispers, his hands shaking as they slide down Teddy’s warm chest and something about his name must be breaking Teddy too because then he's dragging James into the living him, pressing him down into the sofa and covering his body with his own.

“Fuck, you have no idea what you do to me do you?  I’ve wanted you for so long.  When you told me you were gay last week I nearly told you.  But fuck, James I was so terrified of scaring you or taking advantage of you.”  He sounds so unsure, so unlike the calm and composed Teddy that James is used to.  And he knows they have to talk about this, about what it means and what they want but he can’t, not right now when he feels like he might literally die if Teddy doesn’t start kissing him again.  “Do you have any idea what it's been like for me all week?  It’s been killing me not touching you, Jamie.”

“Then fucking touch me,” he challenges, sounding much braver than he feels.

That seems to be all the permission he needs because then something in Teddy seems to shift and he doesn’t seem unsure anymore he seems confident as if worshipping James’s body was exactly what he was meant to do with his life.  

Teddy’s hand are everywhere, his breath hot and heavy as he whispers things in James’s ear that make James want to beg and scream, his hands moving lower and lower until his fingers are tangled in the waistband of his pajamas.  “Have you ever?”

James shakes his head, willing himself not to blush again.  “But you can.  I want you to.  Fuck I want you to.  Please,” he begs, hoping Teddy doesn't ask if he's sure because James isn't sure he can say it again.  It’s taken too much out of him already, saying what he wants, what he needs.

“Fuck that's hot.  You have no idea, do you?  You never see it, the way people flock to you, the way they want you.  You’re always so busy making sure everyone else gets what they need you never think about what you need.  But you’ll let me, won’t you?  Let me give you what you need?  Let me be what you need?”

James nearly weeps from the words, covering his face with his hands and feeling as if his entire being might well and truly explode because he’d known it would like this with Teddy, had known he wouldn't be able to hide anything.

“Look at me, Jamie,” he whispers and James lets his hands fall away, watching with rapt attention as Teddy slides his bottoms down keeping his eyes locked on James’s as he kisses his way down his stomach, nails lightly gliding across his hip bones before he’s swallowing down James’s cock in one go and James lets out a scream, his hands flying to his face again because he can't watch, can't look at Teddy’s lips around his cock because he will come and he doesn’t want this to end, can’t let this end this soon.

Teddy sucks all the way up to the tip, pulling off and exposing James’s wet cock to the cold morning air making him shiver as Teddy whispers “You can watch next time,” before sucking him down again until the tip of his cock is hitting the back of Teddy’s throat.  And then James can’t stop the tears he feels falling from his eyes, couldn't stop them even if he wanted to because he feels as if everything he is and everything he wants to be might finally be the same thing, and it's just too much knowing the one person he wants actually wants him back.  And yeah maybe it has something to do with the warm, wet mouth enveloping his cock because that feels fucking amazing too.  All too soon it's over, his orgasm ripped from his body with Teddy’s name on his lips and then Teddy is there, pulling his hands away gently and he doesn’t say anything just kisses his eyes brushing the tears away.  

He wants to say something, to explain how much Teddy makes him feel ok to be exactly who is, how the tears were because he was happy, how he’s wanted Teddy for as long as he knew what it meant to want someone, but the words are lost, they feel insignificant in the face of the perfection that is Teddy, looking down at him as if he were the most important thing in the world.

“Can I?” James asks, gesturing at Teddy with his hand and hoping the meaning is clear.

“Yes, fuck yes.  You don’t have to ask.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he admits, wondering if his inexperience will become an issue.

“You’ve got a cock I’m pretty sure you know what to do with it,” Teddy teases, pressing his cock into James’s hip and biting his lip.  “Besides, you always know what you’re doing, James.  You just never trust that you do.”

James has to smile because only Teddy could get away with trying to bolster James’s self-confidence while waiting to get off and make every single word sound like foreplay.

“No, I well and truly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want.”

Teddy grins, letting James take the lead and flip them over until it's Teddy spread out beneath him.  “Oh yeah?” he asks, a hopeful grin on his face.

“Mhmm,” James whispers, bending down to kiss Teddy again, his hands finding their way into Teddy’s joggers, his fingers encircling the warm, throbbing length of Teddy’s dripping cock.  It feels nothing like his own and it sends a thrill of desire through him.  “You.  I want you.”

“Fuck..oh, fuck.  That’s good ….because I want you too.” Teddy sounds breathless and it makes James feel heady to realize its because of him.

“Do you really?  You sure?” James teases, dragging his tongue up the shell of Teddy’s ear as he sets up a pace that he is quite sure will have Teddy coming sooner rather than later.

“Was my mouth on your cock not enough to convince you?”

“Oh I dunno,” James laughs, feeling deliriously happy, “You might need to do it again.  Just to make sure I know it for sure.  I’ll go ahead and let you.”

Teddy lets out a bark of laughter followed by a moan, and then he’s pulling James down roughly, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and nearly growling as his fingers dig into James’s hips hard enough to bruise as he comes.  

James drops his forehead down to press against Teddy's and closes his eyes, letting himself just breathe in the scent of Teddy, feel his strong arms around him and his voice low and gentle as he asks if James still wants his pancakes.

"I do hope you realize I'm going to expect pancakes every time you stay over now.  And sex, definitely sex."

"That so?" Teddy says with a wicked grin, not looking put out in the least.

"Definitely."

"I think I can manage that."  And then Teddy is kissing him again and James hopes he never stops. 

He knows soon Teddy will leave, and they'll be forced to figure out how this will work and what it all means but James isn't afraid.  He knows they will handle it all, _together_.  So he kisses him back, giving Teddy everything he is, and feeling for the first time that he has nothing to hide.


End file.
